Hard Rock Nachos!
TONIGHT! Swithun Crowe and his wild bunch of Nacho desperados crash the Hard Rock Monday cantina.
Queso Grande
With more cheese than a brontosaurus’ bell end, things are gonna get messy - stringy strands stuck to your fingers, congealing deposits of guilty secrets, hot spurts of molten pleasure, and more protein dripping off your chin than you ever fantasised about. Mmmh. Have you been eating pineapple?
The Flamin’ Pendechos
Think that jalapenos are what little girls eat while listening to Hannah Montana? Then this dish is for you. The gastr(onom)ic equivalent of the vuvuzela is off the Scoville Scale, liberally infused with Birdseyes, habaneros, and the S-Dawg’s favourite, the Naga Jolokia or Ghost chili. If you struggle to finish a vindaloo, then you are woefully out of your depth with this kulinary killer.
The Godzilla
Mean and green, this bad boy packs a prehistoric punch only matched by its scaly namesake. Yellow tomatoes, green peppers, green onions and Japanese horse radish combine to form a fiery green salsa. If things couldn’t get greener, no one told the guacamole and fresh coriander. One mouthful of this and you will be destroying skyscrapers like a true wasabist. “Oh no, there goes Tokyo. Go go Godzilla.”
Nacho Negro
A ninja among nachos, this stealthy dish will sneak up behind you and plant a tortilla chip in your forehead before you can say “cowabunga dude”. Who is prepared for blue corn chips? Who can resist a nutty, peppery black olive tapenade? Who dares take on the unseen terrors lurking in the black bean salsa? Are you feeling up to it, or just scratching your leg?
The Fartknocker
There is a little of Beavis and Butthead in all of us. Who hasn’t head banged to The Blizzard, gone in fear of the gym teacher or whacked off in a camper van? To mark their return to the small screen, we are proud to let rip with The Fartknocker. No dolphins were flogged in the making of these beany nachos, though we can’t guarantee them free from butt dumplings.
The Classic
For those who know what they like and like what they know. So much has already been written about Forest nachos, that they need no further introduction.
The Islington
You just have to try these. They are simply divine. Tortilla chips reclining on a bed of refreshing rocket, resplendent with a rather rakish Roquefort and some rambunctious raspberry reduction. Mmhhm mhhmmhmhm mhmhmhmhm. Mhmhh mmhmhmm mhmhmmm. Oh crap.
Wears The Soap
Doesn’t it. Yeasty (or cheesy, your choice) tacos nestling on a bed of innocent rice and salad. Gently nudge them open to reveal a juicy soya chunk chili that really puts the sin into chili sin carne. Enjoy a couple on your own, or go large and bump tacos with your girlfriends.
The Raasclaat
What the matter? You never hear no one impersonate a Jamaican before? Raasole. Lively up yourself with hot stepping red, yellow and green Scotch bonnet peppers and ease up with a tropical all fruit ripe salsa. (That be `nuff stereotyping for one day, Ed.)
The Big Fat Greek Nachos
Order this dish before the IMF bans it. Overly generous amounts of feta cheese, a whopping subsidy of red onion salad and unsustainable quantities of black olives make this a meal worth striking about.
The Douchebag
Dude, pop a brewski, slip your girlfriend a Rohypnol, roll up your sleeves and chow down on a collar popping soul patch of Jägermeister infused salsa jelly. If the overpriced 56 herbs and spices or the sprinkling of gold dust don’t bring out the doucheasaurus in you, then be reassured that nothing will.